My brain says no but my pants say off.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
