Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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