please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
