when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Randomize
