Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
