I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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