come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
there's paper in my vomit.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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