at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
