Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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