i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
