you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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