My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
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