i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
