I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
