found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
