the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
