so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
