Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
