Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
