I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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