if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
from now on my penis is your penis
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
