I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
