I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
