I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Never joke about your clitoris.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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