and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
