You made me cry and you don't even care
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
We need a shit load of segways right now
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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