He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
