just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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