Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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