I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
