I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics
That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
