he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
