I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
