I think my fart just growled at me.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
