clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
