So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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