Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
