so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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