I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Randomize
