It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
