I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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