My liver just broke up with me...
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
