if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
