cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Randomize
