So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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