I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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