She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
