thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
