Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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