Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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