either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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