Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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