he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
