Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
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