I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
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If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
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She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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