end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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