The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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