just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
