took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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